Advice for a Successful Marriage

Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds, to Whom belongs the endowments and generosities and Whom we commend out of exaltation. May Allah raise the rank of Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, the master of all the Prophets and Messengers, and protect his nation from what he feared for them; and likewise his pure family members and kind companions. Aameen.

Thereafter, it was said:

The success of the society starts with the success of the invidual. When the individual is successful then the society will be successful. We should know how to build a successful marriage because the society will be successful by this.

The Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam said, which means: “If the wife prayed the obligatory prayers and fasted RamaDaan and stayed away from the sins and obeyed her husband, such a Muslim wife will be given the option of which gate of Paradise to enter.”

And the Prophet, sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, said that each one of you will be asked about his responsibility.

And he, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, said, which means: “Usually the woman is sought for marriage for 4 reasons — for her money, beauty, lineage, or for her religious status.” And the Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, said to pick the religious one and you will be successful.

If a man has piety, religion, and manners and he proposes to marry your daughter, the Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, said to give him your daughter in marriage.

The Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, said in the hadith narrated by At-Tirmidhiyy, which means: “If someone comes and asks to marry your daughter and this person is pious with good manners, then do not reject him. If you reject such a person because you are searching for someone who is powerful, wealthy, etc, the result of this would be a lot of bad things happening on earth; that is, in your community, tribulations and bad things will occur as a result.”

Nowadays, a lot of girls are not married because the parents expect for their daughters more than what the Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, recommended. The Prophet recommended piety and manners. The parents say, ‘Oh but he does not have a million dollars in his bank account to buy her SUVs and estates, etc.’ A lot of girls are waiting and getting old.

The Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, addressed the youth: “If you are able to get married, get married. If you are not able, then fast.”

The success of the marriage is very important. In the end, we should question ourselves. A perfect Muslim is one who always accuses themselves of falling short. If a person says, ‘I do a lot of good deeds and I accumulate a lot of blessings’, such a person is not perfect. We should always accuse ourselves instead of defending ourselves, or else, we end up falling into stubbornness.

There are 5 things that all of the Laws of the Prophets agree upon. All the Prophets came with the same creed but the Laws are different. The Creed is always the same. There are matters that are common with all the Prophets in their Laws. Protecting the lineage is one of the 5 general rules that were revealed to all the Messengers. Abstaining from having prohibited sexual relations (which may result in having unlawful children) is the way to protect the lineage. These 5 general rules are:

Preserving life, preserving property, preserving sanity, preserving lineage, and preserving honor.

Let’s talk about the criteria for the husband and wife. For a perfect marriage, one must be a pious person. What is piety? Going to the masjid with the congregation, by itself, is not piety; nor is growing the beard and having the dhikr beads, by themselves. The pious person is one who performs all the obligations and abstains from all the sins. The one who is stronger in piety is called shakoor. If one is not pious, let him work on that. If one’s wife is not, let him advise her. One should not say, ‘My wife is not pious’ and then do things that destroy the marriage. He should advise her. There should be manners, patience, and wisdom of course.

Did we mention rich or extremely wealthy? Did we mention that they must have faces like models? Did we say they should know how to be a millionaire or be like those people that they use as distractions? In my eyes, a lot of that beauty is vain. You might not know what plastic surgery and make-up can do.

Being satisfied with what Allah gave you is a long-lasting treasure. Some people say after the marriage, “This is not what I expected; this person is not what I thought they would be.” One should be patient with that. If someone says, “AlHamdulillaah, I will be patient with what Allah gave me”, in shaa’ Allah, this person will succeed. In the Hereafter (in Paradise), everyone is handsome, beautiful, and pretty. There are no bad things or anything you would hate from your wife/ husband.

Allah gives this dunyaa to whom He accepts and whom He does not accept. There are kuffaar who have wealth and there are Muslims who are poor. There are Muslims who don’t make more than $100 or $200 a month. But Allah gives the believer Paradise. The Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, said, which means: “A small spot in Paradise is better than this dunyaa and what is in it. The least Muslim in Paradise will have 10 times better than this world and what is in it.”

A person may get distracted in this world and forget about the Hereafter.  We should say, “Whatever Allah decreed to be my sustenance, it will be my sustenance; even if it is from deep down in the ocean, it will be my sustenance.” Whatever Allah ta^aalaa Willed to be shall be, and whatever Allah did not will to be shall not be.

Don’t complain a lot and criticize a lot. Giving beneficial advice will give more results than criticizing a lot. Sometimes the wife might get irritated when the husband throws away the garbage; that he leaves the pale empty without putting a new bag. She criticizes him. She should realize that he emptied the garbage. Look at the cup as half full; not always as half empty. The husband should not say to her, ‘Why didn’t you do the dishes?’ He should not yell and scream at her for this. It is not the end of the world if the dishes are left until tomorrow. It is not the first obligation for anyone. And some think the husband will reach a lower status if he washed dishes. He will not. The Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, use to milk the sheep and fix his own shoes. And he is the best of all creations.

Some people really do not appreciate their husband or wife. An example: One time, someone use to criticize his wife a lot and did not appreciate what she did. One time he saw her glasses and decided to put her glasses on. He realized she was almost half blind. He thought to himself, “I never thought how much she suffers, I use to criticize her. Maybe I should treat her better.”

Allah told us to treat the wives well. The Prophet, Sallallaahu ^alayhi wa sallam, told us that the best are those who are best to their wives, their families.

Don’t be like those who say, ‘You were wrong, I was right. JUST SAY IT NOW!’ Don’t be like them. Realize that everyone has feelings.

Usually for physical attraction, after some time, it will decrease. Some say, “I don’t love her anymore.” This is something we should be careful about; that, what they call “chemistry” and “physical attraction”, by themselves, don’t lead to success. Before marriage, people fix themselves up and after the marriage, they might not do the same as they did in the beginning. However, that should not destroy the marriage. My advice is: If you took care of your appearance before the marriage, take care of it after it too. If the husband orders the wife to fix herself up, she should do it. If she does not, she is an enormous sinner. After a period of time in the marriage, the wife might get secure and think, ‘Oh, he loves me and I will not lose him’ and she stops taking care of herself. Many times, he might not say anything because he loves her. However, because the husband is a human, if there is something unattractive, like a smell, appearance, etc, naturally, he might not have an attraction to her anymore. Many wives might think, ‘He loves me no matter what.’ Yes, he loves you, but if you take care of yourself like you did before or in the beginning of the marriage, he will LOVE YOU A LOT. This will prevent a lot of disruption in the marriage.

It was narrated that there was a man who was in a place with apples and he was hungry. He grabbed an apple and ate. He thought: “O no, I ate this apple without permission from the owner.” So he found the owner and told him that he ate the apple. So the owner told him: “I will not accept this from you until you marry my daughter.” He was shocked. He thought, This rich man wants me to marry his daughter? Then the owner told him, “My daughter is blind, deaf, mute, and paralyzed.” So, this man thought about it and came back and did the marriage contract. He entered her room and said salaam to her. He heard a reply. He was surprised because he was told that she is deaf and mute. Then he saw her and she was VERY beautiful. He was wondering what the case is here.  She told him, “I am blind, I never looked at Haraam; I am deaf, I don’t listen to Haraam; I am mute, I never say Haraam; I am paralyzed, I don’t do Haraam.” Some say, the result of this marriage was one of the Imaams of the 4 schools.

And Allah Knows best.